February 26, 2003

I've started and stopped and restarted and stopped and restarted again trying to write this entry. Other word smiths can no doubt say it more eloquently, with more panache; put the words just so so that when you read your heart strings are tugged just right and you can share the emotion, the loss.

I think the problem is I just don't know what to say, or at least how to express it. A friend is gone and I can't do anything about it. Am I angry? Sad? It's hard to tell. How do you describe that feeling when a hole suddenly appears in the fabric of your life? It really isn't that sudden either. I mean, I knew it was a matter of when, not if. I just didn't think the when would be so abruptly immediate.

I always say that I never have regrets in my life, because then you'll always focus on the what ifs that they entail. Maybe this is my way of processing the regret of losing the possibilities of what might have been. Sort of a turbo-charged method of hitting the six stages of grief. *bam!* Acceptance. "Ok, folks, move along. Nothing to see here."

Laurie, I never met you in person. I came to know you as a friend and a comrade in arms through 3WA and our mutual battles. You will forever be Finnegan's guardian angel. I'm glad he was your little cancer buddy and that you could draw strength from him when you needed it. All day yesterday, after you chose to draw your breath for the last time, he kept close to us. I got the sense that he knew the gig was up and being extra furry-purry was his way of tipping his cap to you.

I don't know where I'm going with this. My mind is parsing all sorts of things I could be writing, should be writing. None of it works for me. All that keeps surfacing, bubbling back to the top is this.

It's done. You "fought the good fight" and chose when to end it, always on your terms. You've come a long way in a short time, but the journey isn't about the destination; it's about how you get there. Those of us fortunate enough to be passengers or even just folks along the way are better for knowing you. Thank you for being a part of my life.

MLK - U2

Sleep
Sleep tonight
And may your dreams
Be realized
If the thunder cloud
Passes rain
So let it rain
Rain down on him
So let it be
So let it be

Sleep
Sleep tonight
And may your dreams
Be realized
If the thundercloud
Passes rain
So let it rain
Let it rain
Rain on him

| Previous | Home | Next |